Birthday Bash

I had an awesome birthday this year. A bunch of my friends and I went out to a bar that featured laser tag. For the reasonable price of $25 a person, they allowed us to drink as much beer and play as much laser tag as we wanted. I've been thinking about birthday extravaganzas what with my friend Calvin's birthday coming up this week and the fact that I caught an episode of MTV's Super Sweet Sixteen. Once upon a time, I thought the show had a strange charm to it but now it is nothing but a collage of whiny children and their spoiled lives. On my sixteenth birthday I went to the movies to see Dawn of the Dead. Beat that sweet sixteen.

Anyway, every one on this show has to plan out a grand entrance for their party. Some people show up riding an elephant. Others are shot out of a canon and some even simply walk in through the front door. I want to have a birthday party with such a grand entrance and here is exactly how it would go:

There would be a wrestling ring front and center. My friends JC and Dave would be standing in the middle of it with microphones. They would introduce me as the birthday boy and I would walk to the ring. They would praise me and they would raise my arms in the air, heralding me as a champion. Then, jealously turns it's ugly head. Dave points out that he has never received any sort of ceremony like this. JC agrees. In fact, he believes that him and Dave gave been overlooked when it comes to being given birthday party extravaganzas. I try to reason with them. Try to explain that their time will come. They respond, "Waiting is for suckers. Why wait; when you can take?"

They gloves come off and they start pummeling me. I get nailed with clothesline after clothesline. My buddy Kameron hits the ring to aid me but the numbers game catches up to him. It is an all out assault as they take off their belts and start whipping us. It looks like the party has been ruined until over the loudspeakers: "I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD!"

Randy Orton is the surprise special guest at my party. He hits the ring. JC swings a belt at him but Orton ducks. Boom! RKO to JC. Dave runs at Orton but falls victim to a powerslam. Orton starts hulking up, stocking his pray. Dave rises to his feet to suddenly be brought back down with an RKO. The day has been saved. Randy helps Kam and I to our feet. We raise our arms up in triumph but then boom! Randy Orton hits me and Kam with a double RKO but that's okay. He's the viper. That's what he does.

That was incredibly dorky of me to write about but goddammit; it was exciting too.

"The plan is you drink a nice tall glass of Shut The Fuck Up!"