Slumps

Oh no. Oh geez. Oh gosh. Why? Why? Why? It's been happening. I am being plagued be the one thing a man in my position can't stand. The thing anyone who looks to pursue a career in comedy or writing for a living can't bear with. I'm talking about a creative slump. I'm so well into this slump that I've lost track of the days. I've barely written a thing. A few jokes here and there but outside of that I've had the creative output of an orange peel.

I'm even struggling to write this blog. My brain is just moving in slow motion all the team. A few weeks ago I was doing it all. I was machine gunning stand up performances and cranking out sketch videos. Sadly, I got exhausted by it fairly quick. I start to get depressed and loathe myself when I don't feel like I'm creating but it's not like I can force my creative spark either. When I do that, I begin to produce such useless drivel. It's like I heard in a song once. "It is better to destroy than to create what is meaningless."

So what do I do, reader? Should I get a CAT scan? How about I start writing with my left foot? That worked pretty well for Christie Brown. Perhaps I'll try a new creative outlet. Something like those Jackass guys do. Let's google search the highest point in Gainesville, then I'll dance on top it wearing an Avatar costume while eating a pickle. I hate pickles so this will cause we to start vomiting. Also, vomit makes me vomit so I would just keep vomiting until it is only dry heaves.

Or maybe...just maybe. This shall pass. Is that optimism I'm detecting? Yes! It is! That's what I need right now. Optimism. They only way to get through these slumps is to be confident in yourself. To know you've been on fire before and it will come again. It's just like an olympic athlete training to beat his own time. I can only vow to better than I am a year from now. Looking back to where I was last year, mission accomplished.

"Check yourself before you wreck yourself."

A Year Ago

Today I'm celebrating in my mind. I'm celebrating because one year ago today, marked my first time performing stand up comedy on stage. That's still a vivid memory. Like it was just yesterday. I remember that and everything leading up to it.

I always had an interest in pursuing stand up comedy. I thought I was funny enough but never knew how to get started. Also, I was frightened by the whole idea of being on stage in front of people and having them determine my comedic prowess. Luckily, I wasn't alone in my pursuit. My good friend, Jacob, also had the desire to try out stand up comedy. He convinced me to go see a student run comedy show on campus one night because this guy we knew from class, Calvin, was in it. We had a good time. We spoke to Calvin and we pitched him an idea we had for a comic. I came up with this concept of an ant and a butterfly solving sex based crimes in a small village in Luxembourg. Jacob drew up some illustrations. Now after talking about it, we really need to get that comic back on track. Calvin let us know about the meetings they had for perspective comics. Meetings where everyone just told jokes and helped each other make them funnier. Jacob and I went to the very next meeting.

Even though it wasn't a show, I was still shy. I was afraid of everyone there not liking me and then me retroactively quitting. Jacob had the balls to go up in front of everyone and talk all kinds of nonsense. Then the spotlight was on me.

"Who is this new kid who thinks he is funny? What? He came to one of our shows and now he thinks he can do this? Let's watch him cry."

I told the two little jokes I had and the experience was painless. I got a few chuckles from the group and some good advice. I kept coming back every week with new jokes. Sometimes just stories. Calvin and Tim would listen to each of them and help make them into working jokes. I was cool with being a prodigy. A guy who might by stage worthy some day. But that came sooner than I thought. This bar in town, 1982, was having an open mic for stand up. Anybody telling jokes in Gainesville was going to be there and that included me.

That night I was nervous. I invited ten of my friends to come out to the show and they all made it. There was a fair amount of other people there as well. I guess as a survival instinct I started drinking. The comics went up one by one and the crowd reactions were a mixed bag. A few of them were awesome and the crowd was jovial. Then a few guys went up that absolutely stunk. Calvin pulled me aside and said, "That is exactly what you're not going to do." I started to panic. "OH GOD! I'm being held to standards. Everyone is going to be so disappointed." I drank more.

Jacob went up before me and did spectacular. This was both calming and rekindling my anxiety. Calming because it was Jacob's first time and perhaps I could do just as well. Rekindling because I felt Jacob had raised the bar. It was finally time for me to take my turn. As soon as I got my first laugh, it was smooth sailing. The jokes kept pouring out of me. I was only suppose to do 3 but I ended up doing 7 minutes. I felt so comfortable up there. Afterwards, I met my friend JC for the first time and he invited me to come do his Thursday show. I went to bed that night on a pillow of my pseudo celebrity status.

Since then I've been working at it. A year of discovering my voice, hating audiences, hating myself, getting discouraged, doing shows in other towns, meeting other comics and learning. This is a process that will keep repeating. It was a year ago today that I started to smooth out my identity. I started to feel more and more like I belonged the more I did my stage act. What I love most about it is how much there is left to conquer. These are the words I want on my tombstone, "I am me because no one else can." That sums up how secure I am with who I am and where I am.

"Some people act a role, others play a part!"