Getting To Work

I think I'm starting to make things happen as far as this job search goes. I was offered to be a personal assistant by two different gentlemen. One of them is a realtor and the other is the CEO of a company that makes water filters. In the interest of protecting the names of my prospective employers I am going to hereby refer to the realtor as Chuck Liddell and the CEO as Tank Abbott.

(Side Note: I just googled Tank Abbott to make sure I spelled it correctly and found a link about DMX's MMA career. Apparently, he was suppose to fight his manager in his MMA debut but when people found out it was rigged, they called off the fight. DMX has to be the biggest fake gangster of all time.)

So Chuck Liddell wants me to do some filing, make some phone calls, exploit low-income families and all the other usual stuff. He's sending me a check to go buy a laminator and a paper cutter. Laminating will no doubt become a new hobby of mine. Chuck Liddell seems like a cool guy as per our email interactions thus far and I doubt he is trying to solicit me for gay sex.

Now Tank Abbott is offering me $450 a week for my services but he's asking me to get involved in his personal life. One of the first things that I've been asked to do is help organize a surprise party for her daughter. I have no idea how old the daughter is so I'm going to go ahead and plan a party that covers all the age ranges. I'll go ahead and hire a clown, set up an open bar and get my friend Jacob to dress up like Edward Cullen. You know, the more that I think about it, I might just go ahead and plan that party for myself. The only thing missing is some red velvet cake.

Pretty soon, I'll have to decide which of these jobs I'm going to take. I'm leaning more towards working for Chuck Liddell because he isn't asking me to be around his children. I may just juggle both and quit on the guy I get sick of first. Either way, it's about damn time I start earning some money because I haven't held a paying job in over a year and my dad has stopped sending me checks.

"The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself."

Oh Lord

Day 24 of my post-graduate career and still no job. Yesterday was a bit refreshing while at the same time stale. I've applied for about 12 or 15 jobs at this point and I started to hear back from some employers. One of them was for this site called jobnab.com. I applied for the position of Job Scout. Get this, it's a job where I would be looking for jobs. I would be getting a check for what I already do all day. So I have to do a conference call for the job yesterday and it ends up being a complete crock. Just another scheme of internet marketing where you just sit on your ass, asking people to click on links and never really seeing a check because you're still in training. Fuck that noise.

I also heard back from this company called AEV Property. I applied for a job as a front desk clerk and they told me they wanted to set up an interview. They told me I would have to bring a copy of my credit score to the interview. I said I didn't have one and they told that they had a partnership with this website and could get me a free trial. Fuck them. They wouldn't give me the interview until I signed up for the free trial and I bet if I said I already had my credit score, I would've never heard back from those ass clowns. It is bullshit that people can be so slimy in this job market.

Then I heard back from a few guys looking for personal assistants. I've got no problem doing stuff like this. They both were looking for the same deal. Someone to handle calls, documents, make deliveries and keep them on task. I would be working from home and making decent wages. They only thing that struck me as odd was that both of these guys assured me that they were married men with two children. I don't know why but just by this very detail, it makes me think that they will eventually start asking me for gay sex. I imagine I'm going to pick up a package for the guy and when I bring it to him he's going to ask me to open it and inside will be a big black dildo. Then he's going to bend over and tell me to earn my bonus. I don't know if I'm more scared of that happening or whether or not I'd actually do it. A job is a job.

"You don't live until you're ready to die."

Thought Bubble

What's the timetable on hopelessness? I'm not saying I'm at that point. I'm just asking. This is Day 19 in my post grad career. I've applied for eight jobs within the last four days and I haven't gotten an email reply yet. It is premature to hit the panic button but it certainly isn't encouraging either. Being home a lot leaves me thinking about a lot of different things. Some of them bizarre. Some of them just mundane. Matter of fact, if I pause for a moment, I can let you all in on what is going on in the wheelhouse.

Thought #1: Windshield wiper fluid. I love it. I love it because it is the simplest most inexpensive problem to fix on a vehicle. You can get a giant jug for a dollar and it is more than enough to fill the container. It makes me feel like a competent human being when my Kia is thirsty for that fluid and I can quench it without breaking a sweat. It makes me wish everything else in my life was this simple. Why can't women like things that are incredibly cost inefficient?

Thought #2: I have to be more honest with myself. I get so afraid of failing or people seeing me as incompetent that I lie about my ability. I convince myself that there is no task too tall but end up creating a bigger mess than there is to start with. This happened last week when I tried to help Niccolo mount his flat screen television on the wall. I really wanted to help and was ready to drill holes into his wall without really knowing what I was doing. It ended up being more embarrassing than if I had just admitted I didn't know how to do it in the first place.

Thought #3: One of my favorite bands is Bomb The Music Industry! They've got a lot of songs about being broke, drinking a lot, not being able to grow up and overall not feeling like a million bucks. I can't help but feel like my life mirrors these topics. In particular there's a line in one song that reads "I'm always waking up hating that life ain't perfect." I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I want to find my utopia and I hope it takes as little as possible to build it. As long as it has baseball, wrestling, alcohol and women, I'll live comfortably.

Thought #4: I wish I was a member of the Monster Squad.

That's enough of that. Time to play video games and think about a possible career in clam digging.

Jobs & Jokes

A couple days ago, I made my triumphant return to Gainesville. The goal was to find a job while also getting to work on my stand up routine. I've already been making moves in the job search. I applied to three different employers yesterday. Two of them are ho-hum but I did apply for a job writing for a website. The ad literally said Witty Writing Gig. The only catch is that they want someone to write about their college experiences. I'm pretty sure they want someone currently in college but I'll be damned if I can't pretend I'm a college student for at least another year. Or, I'll just pretend it's three years ago and I'm still getting bullied by the local fraternities while also working on getting laid for the first time.

Those other jobs aren't bad gigs either. One is as an office assistant. I'm not sure what the company does but I'm sure it'll be alright. Just have to do a little filing and shredding of documents. But what if those documents are records of how the company has been poisoning the Colombian water supply. Then, the government would kidnap and ask me to testify all the while the company is threatening and blackmailing and bribing me with filipino hookers to keep quiet. I'll tell you what. This blog would get much more interesting.

The other job is as a procedure scheduler. I think all I would have to do is you know...schedule procedures. Then, I could play practical jokes like scheduling a baby to get a hysterectomy.

Now for the matter of my stand up. I may have been designated to the equivalent of the minor leagues in the Gainesville stand up scene. 3 of the 4 shows are calling for experienced comics and I don't think I'm being recognized as an experienced comic. Well, I'm about to rip the minors a new asshole. I'm going to be the crown jewel. I'm going to be ripping homers and making web gems all day. Then they'll see. I'll show them. I'll show you all.

My Chainsaw

After being fired, I found myself falling off the wagon. I slept until about 3 in the afternoon. Then, I filled my body up with cheesecake pancakes from IHOP and whiskey 7-Up cocktails. This series of events had me feeling sick, groggy and useless.
I forgot what it was that pulled me out of this stupor. I legitimately think it was Cody Ross scoring the winning run on a wild pitch in the ninth last night. I hopped online and I took some measures to put my best foot forward. I applied for a job as a customer account representative at Rent-A-Center. I also researched becoming a substitute teacher in Alachua county. I think I'd make a pretty good sub. I would make the kids laugh and make learning mean something and when it's crunch time, I'll be stern but fair. I also cut a deal with my buddy Dave to live at his place until I find a job and can afford rent.
Today I was doing yard work for my father. He wanted me to pull trees out of a bed because they had gotten out of control and wanted to plant new ones. I took to the job with this rusty hand saw and the job was a pain. I finally decided that there had to be a better way of doing things. I looked around and found a chainsaw. I fired that puppy up and had the work done in no time. It made me think that perhaps there's always an easier way of getting things down as long as you stop and think about it. So in the struggle that is my life after college, I'll be looking for that chainsaw.

All The Live Long Day

Having a job is nothing new to me. I had a job throughout high school and I was happy making $7.00 an hour serving popcorn and mopping up Icee spills. Then I got lazy and didn't work for more than a year. But good news, folks. I broke my sobriety today. My friend Niccolo got me a freelance gig doing video editing at his company. What a joy it will be to receive a paycheck once again.
5:00a.m.- Woke up. Why am I awake? I have to be at work by 6. God is punishing me.

5:50a.m.- Show up to work early because I'm a good boy. The project is presented to me. Some company named PGI is going to be eating breakfast at the Westin Diplomat hotel. The hotel is desperate for them to have lots of meals there and other things so I have been assigned to film the experience and edit it together so the hotel can send it to the people of PGI next week. PGI will remember the good times they had eating passion fruit frozen yogurt lollipops with chef Dave Haskett and pour lots of money into said hotel. Am I the only one who thinks this is a bizarre sales approach? If I like the food, I'll come back. Wendy's never sent me a video of me eating a double stack I found in a waste bin but still found too delicious to pass up and I still rifle through their trash.

8:50a.m.- The clients show up. The hotel has printed out labels of the PGI logo and stuck them onto all the cans and jars in the kitchen in a bizarre act of kissing up. I film them eating quince paste and pata negra. My employer informs me to make the video intense.

10:15a.m.- The shoot ends as the fat cats are too indulged to finish there shrimp tamales and guava white chocolate custard. I am reminded to make the video intense. The definition of intense in this scenario is beyond me.

2:27p.m.- All the footage finally uploads but one of the tapes was damaged so I must now make an intense video with half the footage I intended to use. I am given a list of pre-approved songs I can use in the video. I choose the most intense one. That being Almost Ready by Dinosaur Jr. My employer tells me the song needs to be more controlled but still lively. My other music choices are steel drums and some flute junk. None of it particularly intense. I stick with Dinosaur Jr. and stick it to me employer.

4:36p.m.- The video only has to be 2 minutes but my employer says it needs to be tighter. He gives me still photos and tells me to make a power point. What happened to the video? I begin to yell at everyone. Niccolo tells me to make it more exciting. PGI is probably going to throw this away once they get it in the mail. I hate life.

5:13p.m.- I write down other career options on a note pad. "Substitute teacher, mortician, defining the word intense for everyone..." I'm coming up on having worked for 12 hours and it's getting to me. Why did I ever graduate college? I should go get a master's.

6:07p.m.- Fuck everything. I leave. I thank Niccolo for the job opportunity and leave. It's not that I can't do this. It's that it pains me too. All these people are completely phony and my work is meaningless. I don't want to work in an office and I never want to wear a tie to work. I'll work to live but I never want to live to work.

I gave the real world a shot, folks. It's not really as bad as I made it out to be. I got paid $10 an hour to edit some videos which is of course better than working at Sears in my eyes. I hate the complain but I still got too many dreams I want to achieve. I'll do what it takes to get there and I'll live in office purgatory until I get there. I'm thankful for the experience because I learned something about myself.

8:43p.m.- Back to work on the video. It needs to be done in the morning. Feel my struggle.

9:47p.m.- Got fired. How in the fuck?

Mission Statement

I started a blog a couple years ago and it didn't take me long to burn out on it. The reason being that nothing too interesting was going on in my life at the moment. The game has certainly changed since then. Now I'm a college graduate with a degree in English. Time to figure out the rest of my life. I currently have no job and about $700 to my name. I am legally unemployed. I've got those post graduate blues.
So what is the point of me starting a blog? Let's see how many reason I can think of.
#1. A few years ago I went to an event where the guest lecturer was Academy Award winner Diablo Cody. She said that if you want to be a writer you have to take every opportunity to make your writing public. I want to be a writer and I'm a stand up comedian so here I am making my writing public.
#2. I believe this will keep me from going insane. I've already got the blues. I don't need to be sleeping into scheizophrenia as well. So let's chalk this up to staying in good help.
#3. I know I'm not the only one going through something like this. I'm hoping my mishaps and successes as I chronicle them will help comfort others knowing that all hope is NOT lost. It's a two way street so if you want to e-mail or comment to keep my spirits and keep me from reaching for the revolver then do it.

Three. I came up with three decent reasons and I think I'll stop it right there. Join me in my adventures against the post-grad blues as I try to find a job, make career choices, give hilarious commentary on global issues and try not to live at home until I'm forty.