Ring In The New Year

In four days, it will be a brand new year. With that comes a clean new slate. Right? At least that's what we are all meant to believe. Now is about the time we start making those new year's resolutions. Resolutions to get slimmer, smarter, richer and laid more. Instead of making resolutions I think we need to gear up. Acknowledge the obstacles ahead of us and what needs to be accomplished in order to achieve a goal. The hard thing for me this coming year is that it's going to be my first year out of school. Going into every new year, the only thing I had to tell myself was to get all A's. You can't do better than all A's. But here I am on the cusp of 2011 with good grades no longer a priority. What's there to accomplish? I guess I can think of a few things.

I've got to work on making more money and saving it. The free ride I've got going in Gainesville can only last so long. I'll have to start paying rent soon and I can't do that only working my one job at the moment. Especially considering that I've received two bounced paychecks from my company since I started in September. I'll have to look for a second job in order to really start taking care of myself. I'm not doing that working 20 hours a week and making $8 an hour.
With two jobs, I'll have to be stricter on how I spend my time. That means no more laying to waste in front of the television. I need to be either making a paycheck or working on my writing. My leisure time will be reserved for pro wrestling and baseball once that's back in season. This is growing up.

I'll have to find new ways to comfort myself. My girlfriend of two years is moving back in with her parents and that means having to do a long distance relationship. That blows. I've done LDR before and it all couldn't have ended any worse than it did. All my friends who ever did LDR didn't make it out except one and she broke up with her boyfriend two or three times over that stretch. It's hard to remain optimistic when your experience is marred by unpleasant memories.
I'll miss her very much and I'll just have to lean on my friends more to keep from going crazy. This means being the third wheel for many of my friends who are couples. If you're reading this Sandra and Brian, get use to saying, "table for three," when you go to T.G.I. Friday's.

I've got to find more to do comedy wise. I've been doing stand up for a full year now and I feel myself getting stronger. Makes me want to go out of town and do open mics, just to see if I can connect with crowds who I know haven't seen my shit before. I think it will only help build up my confidence.

I've got to go back to school. Yeah, I said this is going to be a year where grades won't be a priority but I already miss being a college student. Also, you can't make any real money with a bachelor's degree anymore so I've got to get my Master's. I'm going to apply for grad school at Cal State. I have a great friend who lives out there. Plus, it's ripe for me to continue my stand up and other creative ventures. This may also be a product of me being sick of my old space. I could use a change of scenery. I love you, Florida but I'm afraid I'm starting to outgrow you. Sooner or later I've got to move on.

I want 2011 to be my year. A year in which I not only experience change, but also growth. I wish the same for all of you.

"You got two jobs; kiss good, and make sure my hair don't get wet."

A Decent Year

Hey everybody. I've been slacking in the blog entries as of late because there was a bunch I needed to get sorted out in my head and I didn't know how to articulate it in writing. I'm currently back home for the holidays as I'm sure a lot of you are. The vacation is sure to do me some good. 10 days where I don't have to worry about the present. This is me taking a 10 day break from the town that has become my world. The town of Gainesville. Gainesville has became the nucleus to my way of life. The chance to get away from it is a chance to put my mind on auto pilot. Yet, I continue to plot because a new year dawns upon us. Before I lay out my new year's resolutions I need to take a look back at everything I've accomplished in 2010.

First and foremost, I graduated from college. That's what sparked this blog. What with me and the post-grad blues. Graduating college is a four and for some a five year effort. This alone makes 2010 a year to remember. I only wish I had graduated with a degree in something other than English. Looking back, I should've done Telecommunications. I was already akin to the workings of a television studio and there are a few courses that allowed to do video projects. My friend Tim is a Telecom major and he made a buddy cop film as his final project. How I envy him. I only took one film production course and it was only experimental. We weren't allowed to make narrative films. I did some good work in that class but nothing like I really wanted to do. But going back to my original point; woo college.

I made some strides in my stand up performance. I feel a make for a great MC now. I also got to headline for my first time. I also got to do a ton of other things outside of stand up. I got to write and host my own talk show entitled People We Know with Wiley Albatross. I played a mild mannered television show host who through each interview process, finds out his guests are complete lunatics. It went over exactly how I had planned it.

I honestly feel I am a strong writer. Getting to do a project like that only boasts my confidence and makes me believe I'm destined for greater things. 2011 may just be the time for me to really break out.

2010 also gave me a slew of work experience. Between working the bakery at a Dunkin Donuts and being an office lackey, I did some things I never did before. The Dunkin Donuts gig will never go down on my resume though. Not with the way I unabashedly walked out of there. But the experience of working in an office is definitely helpful. Even if that office is probably a drug front. The explanation of that is worth an entirely new blog entry if not a brand new 15 minute routine. Work experience and education are the key to a successful foundation.

That's 2010 in a nut shell. I've got big plans for 2011. Especially because 2011 will come with even more bills to pay. Right now I'm waiting for that moment where I feel like I've got life by the balls.

"That's the answer to the riddle. Because that's what an 8000 pound mako thinks about. About freedom. About the deep blue sea."

Slumps

Oh no. Oh geez. Oh gosh. Why? Why? Why? It's been happening. I am being plagued be the one thing a man in my position can't stand. The thing anyone who looks to pursue a career in comedy or writing for a living can't bear with. I'm talking about a creative slump. I'm so well into this slump that I've lost track of the days. I've barely written a thing. A few jokes here and there but outside of that I've had the creative output of an orange peel.

I'm even struggling to write this blog. My brain is just moving in slow motion all the team. A few weeks ago I was doing it all. I was machine gunning stand up performances and cranking out sketch videos. Sadly, I got exhausted by it fairly quick. I start to get depressed and loathe myself when I don't feel like I'm creating but it's not like I can force my creative spark either. When I do that, I begin to produce such useless drivel. It's like I heard in a song once. "It is better to destroy than to create what is meaningless."

So what do I do, reader? Should I get a CAT scan? How about I start writing with my left foot? That worked pretty well for Christie Brown. Perhaps I'll try a new creative outlet. Something like those Jackass guys do. Let's google search the highest point in Gainesville, then I'll dance on top it wearing an Avatar costume while eating a pickle. I hate pickles so this will cause we to start vomiting. Also, vomit makes me vomit so I would just keep vomiting until it is only dry heaves.

Or maybe...just maybe. This shall pass. Is that optimism I'm detecting? Yes! It is! That's what I need right now. Optimism. They only way to get through these slumps is to be confident in yourself. To know you've been on fire before and it will come again. It's just like an olympic athlete training to beat his own time. I can only vow to better than I am a year from now. Looking back to where I was last year, mission accomplished.

"Check yourself before you wreck yourself."

A Year Ago

Today I'm celebrating in my mind. I'm celebrating because one year ago today, marked my first time performing stand up comedy on stage. That's still a vivid memory. Like it was just yesterday. I remember that and everything leading up to it.

I always had an interest in pursuing stand up comedy. I thought I was funny enough but never knew how to get started. Also, I was frightened by the whole idea of being on stage in front of people and having them determine my comedic prowess. Luckily, I wasn't alone in my pursuit. My good friend, Jacob, also had the desire to try out stand up comedy. He convinced me to go see a student run comedy show on campus one night because this guy we knew from class, Calvin, was in it. We had a good time. We spoke to Calvin and we pitched him an idea we had for a comic. I came up with this concept of an ant and a butterfly solving sex based crimes in a small village in Luxembourg. Jacob drew up some illustrations. Now after talking about it, we really need to get that comic back on track. Calvin let us know about the meetings they had for perspective comics. Meetings where everyone just told jokes and helped each other make them funnier. Jacob and I went to the very next meeting.

Even though it wasn't a show, I was still shy. I was afraid of everyone there not liking me and then me retroactively quitting. Jacob had the balls to go up in front of everyone and talk all kinds of nonsense. Then the spotlight was on me.

"Who is this new kid who thinks he is funny? What? He came to one of our shows and now he thinks he can do this? Let's watch him cry."

I told the two little jokes I had and the experience was painless. I got a few chuckles from the group and some good advice. I kept coming back every week with new jokes. Sometimes just stories. Calvin and Tim would listen to each of them and help make them into working jokes. I was cool with being a prodigy. A guy who might by stage worthy some day. But that came sooner than I thought. This bar in town, 1982, was having an open mic for stand up. Anybody telling jokes in Gainesville was going to be there and that included me.

That night I was nervous. I invited ten of my friends to come out to the show and they all made it. There was a fair amount of other people there as well. I guess as a survival instinct I started drinking. The comics went up one by one and the crowd reactions were a mixed bag. A few of them were awesome and the crowd was jovial. Then a few guys went up that absolutely stunk. Calvin pulled me aside and said, "That is exactly what you're not going to do." I started to panic. "OH GOD! I'm being held to standards. Everyone is going to be so disappointed." I drank more.

Jacob went up before me and did spectacular. This was both calming and rekindling my anxiety. Calming because it was Jacob's first time and perhaps I could do just as well. Rekindling because I felt Jacob had raised the bar. It was finally time for me to take my turn. As soon as I got my first laugh, it was smooth sailing. The jokes kept pouring out of me. I was only suppose to do 3 but I ended up doing 7 minutes. I felt so comfortable up there. Afterwards, I met my friend JC for the first time and he invited me to come do his Thursday show. I went to bed that night on a pillow of my pseudo celebrity status.

Since then I've been working at it. A year of discovering my voice, hating audiences, hating myself, getting discouraged, doing shows in other towns, meeting other comics and learning. This is a process that will keep repeating. It was a year ago today that I started to smooth out my identity. I started to feel more and more like I belonged the more I did my stage act. What I love most about it is how much there is left to conquer. These are the words I want on my tombstone, "I am me because no one else can." That sums up how secure I am with who I am and where I am.

"Some people act a role, others play a part!"

So Far Left, You're On The Right

At my office, I like most of our clients. They usually fall into one of two categories. The first one being cheery and easy to work with. The second one being virtually non-existant. Either way, they help make my five hours a day in the office a low stress environment. But two months in and I come across Larry Chandler. Yes, I am using his real name because fuck him. He told me he doesn't have a computer, anyway. Larry Chandler is a nut job. He considers himself extremely far left and a strict christian. Larry Chandler is a living container of oil and water. What did I do to get Larry Chandler into my life? All I did was answer the phone.

Larry Chandler called looking for help fixing his credit score like any other client of mine. In the span of a 30 minute conversion I learned lots about him. He is 60 years old and a veteran of the Vietnam War. He is distrustful of the government and refers to Bank of America as Bank Robbers of America. He has a disabled son who was struck in the head by a stray bullet. His son son is blind and deaf on one side of his head. His wife ruined his life and can currently be found hooking on Orange Blossom Trail. When locked into conversation, Larry Chandler has no problem quoting bible scripture to make a point. He also loves to smoke marijuana. Larry Chandler was striking me as a unique individual who I would enjoy having as a client. Then, he started to let the crazy out.

He asked me about the origin of my last name. When I said German he had a story for me about Hitler. "Hitler had the right idea at first. He was all about killing the homosexuals. Then, Stalin butted in and made it all about killing jews. He muddled the message Hitler was trying to send. Do you know what homosexuals do to each other? They perform oral sex on each other. That's plain disgusting." The endearing gentleman I thought I was in touch with had disappeared. I stayed silent for awhile then told him I had to go. I was reeling over that until he called me the next day.

This time Larry Chandler had a warning for me. A warning that if I didn't do what I said I would or tried to screw him in any way. He would ask for God to bring vengeance onto me and my company. I checked with my boss and that was a first for our company. She told me that if that happens again, I can tell him to keep his money. My boss is a sassy black lady. She also added, "Let me call him and ask him where God was when he was getting his ass in all this debt." I love Ms. Wright to death.

Larry Chandler is an example of why I'm proud of my generation. Sure, we play a lot of video games and have invented horrible things like twitter but we are a lot more tolerable of other lifestyles than other the older generations. Larry Chandler calls himself a straight shooter and he believes it makes him noble. I think it is more noble to let go of your prejudices so that we all may live in harmony. No one is going to get along with everyone but the work we put in to co-exist with each other is tremendous. Let's keep the Larry Chandlers in the past.

"Come on Harry, the maiden fair waits for her knight in shining corduroy."

NMB Yesterday

I have a joke about how I went to a predominantly black school and how I was always type casted in the school plays. There is some truth to that. I was never actually in a high school play but the theater teacher knew me because I did the morning announcements. She would offer me parts in the plays but only for characters that wouldn't make sense if they were black. Once she wanted me to play a slave master and another time she wanted me to be a nazi. I declined both roles because I was already busy with other extracurriculars. But I like to imagine the acting resume I could've built had I chosen that path.

A friend of mine heard about this story and a few others and enjoyed them. She said that my upbringing would be a good resource for my comedic musings. Strangely, I don't have much material in regards to be old neighborhood or the schools I went to. I've got a few jokes about my parents but not any about the town that raised me. I haven't been incorporating this facet of my identity into my stage persona. The reason I don't is because my experience was quite average to me. I went to a black school but adapted well into black culture. So I never felt awkward or out of place and therefore find nothing humorous about it.

Regardless though, it is an experience that is unique to me and therefore can make endearing to audiences. I remember running into a friend from high school a few months ago. He asked me if I was writing jokes about the old neighborhood, the boys from NMB (North Miami Beach, my hometown) and the mix tape I had produced with him. I was disappointed to say no. Now may be the time to tap into the environment I was born out of. So let's see what we can conjure up.

I went North Miami Beach Senior High School. There were plenty of other white kids than me there but they were all in the magnet program. (Editor's Note: There were plenty of black kids in the magnet program as well.) They had different teachers and even a whole other floor of the building compared to the rest of the student body. I was an oddity. I was the white kid not in the magnet program. This would confuse teachers. In fact, one year the school had placed me in one of the magnet math courses. I tried to explain to them that the course was too advanced for me but they didn't do anything about it until I started to fail it. They pulled me out and put me in a math class I could handle. They had to alter my schedule to make this work and ironically pulled me out of my African American studies class to make it work.

A lot of the kids I hung out with listened to rap. I didn't like it much at first. The only rap I listened to was when Weird Al parodied Gangster's Paradise. The constant exposure to rap led me to have an affection for it. I started to write my own raps about the dumb and stupid things you contemplate about when you're fifteen. I wrote a lot about break ups despite not having had a girlfriend yet. Soon, I began to understand the idea behind battle rapping and free styling. I wrote little punch line raps and even though I wasn't as good as other kids, I got a lot of respect for having the courage to do it. There was also a novelty to me being white that the kids took a shine too. Probably had to do with Eminem being immensely popular at the time.

I soon got together with my friend Mike and we recorded a mix tape together. We pirated beats and rapped over them. The sounds quality was less than glamorous considering the recording process. The process involved playing the beats over the computer speakers and recording them onto the computer's microphone with us rapping. My rap name was Killah Kracka and he was Mic Deizel. Together we called ourselves Cold Equations. I named us that. I read a short story in English that year with the same name and really liked it. We burned our recordings on to blank CD's and passed them around school. They got pretty popular. People could automatically tell I was white by my voice and my subject matter. On one track in particular I crooned out, "Stay out of my life." Something only emo white kids said so my racial identity was unmasked. Luckily, it didn't hurt our popularity.

That was fun but I think that's enough dabbling for now. Writing about it makes it so vivid all of a sudden. My high school days were very kind of me and have a whole lot to do with who I am now. Writing about them could be just what I need to be more relatable. Perhaps next time we'll go on another vacation in my memory.

"As a matter of fact dawg, here's a pencil, go home, write some shit, make it suspenseful; and don't come back 'til somethin' dope hits you. Fuck it, you can take the mic home wit' you."

Too Many Forks, Not Enough Knives

Whenever I think I'm settling into something comfy, a fork manages to jab into my life. I've been satisfied with my decision to remain in Gainesville. I finally got the camera. Now my friends and I are getting to work on sketches and hopefully a feature length film. Sometimes, though, you haven't a clue when or what kind of opportunity will land at your door step.

Next month is the Florida Marlins job fair. It is an opportunity to gain a paid internship with a baseball organization I grew up loving. They have positions in many fields but I'm most interested in a position in either broadcasting or baseball operations. Ever since high school I thought about how simple my life would be if I could get a job for a baseball organization. Baseball is one of the loves of my life and if I could pull a check by simply talking and being around baseball all day, that would be grand. I would be a fool not to jump on this opportunity. So why has it got me feeling so nervous?

I'm not nervous about trying to get an internship. I'm nervous about moving back home and leaving Gainesville behind. Like I said before, I just bought a camera and am working on a movie with my friends. If I got the internship, I would have to start in January. At the rate this movie is going, I'll have to pack up for Miami before we even finish shooting. If that happens I'll feel like I've really let my friends down. Plus, I'll feel like I'm bailing on why I wanted the camera in the first place. What if my internship makes me lose interest in film making and comedy all together? What if I end up quitting altogether for a career in baseball? I'm not sure I'm willing to sacrifice certain things to work for the Marlins.

Also, I feel like I'll get really depressed if I move back home. I only have three close friends back home. One who I consider a workaholic, one who is never up to any good and one who I've unfortunately fallen out of contact with. I only imagine myself doing three things back in Miami. Hanging out with Niccolo, hanging out with my parents and going to work. I feel like my social skills will be crippled by returning to a big city. Especially when I know I'd be missing everyone back in Gainesville badly.

At the moment, there is no decision to make. I'm going to drive down to Miami next month and apply for an internship. Then I'll wait and see if I even get it. I know my friends will want me to stay and my parents will want me to come back home. I know I can't make everyone happy. At the very least, I need to make myself happy.

"As if every thought that tumbles through your head was so clever it would be a crime for it not to be shared."